The first time I’d ever heard the name “Willy MakeIt” was from my seventh grade geography teacher. It’s not a super original name obviously as I’m sure you’ve also heard about “Betty Won’t”. Either way, it’s a pretty clever name.
The teacher came in one day and decided that he was going to tell us a funny joke which was a surprise because by no means was this guy funny. On a typical day, he was easily angered, impatient and quick to overreact when it comes to even the slightest disruption. The fact that he looked exactly like The Turtle Guy from the movie Master of Disguise did not help his case at all. Needless to say, this teacher was an easy target for any punk of a student such as myself.
This was also my mother’s first week working as the school’s librarian so I was a bit more well behaved than normal. She had gotten hired about a month prior and when my teachers initially heard the news they were talking all this “smack” leading up to her official start date. “Matty Tattyyyy (I hated that name), you’re going to be a whole new student once your mother gets here.
No more acting up in class or you’re really gonna get it.”
I thought, “Bullshit, nothings changing me.” but deep down I knew that this was going to be problematic. It’s not that I was a “bad” student, just a bit outspoken and occasionally disruptive; your typical class clown. If you asked me to describe my younger self using just one word, I’d say that I was a Goonie more than anything.
Prior to my mother’s start date, if they kicked me out of class or issued a detention, it was no big deal. As long as my parents didn't find out, these punishments had little effect. However, a phone call home or anything involving my mom and dad was a whole different story. Every delinquent with good parents knows how that goes.
Going back to The Turtle Guy, he says to us something along the lines of “Hey class, do you know the name of the first guy who tested a parachute?” Of course no one answered and we pretty much remained silent while he let out a few ha ha’s before saying “His name was Willy Make It!” He burst out laughing but quickly stopped upon realizing that no one else found it funny. That’s when I chimed in: “Yea, alright dude!!!” Of course everyone started laughing hysterically. Boom, Doogied him.
Now, there’s a very specific way in which you have to say this and it’ll piss off anyone on the receiving end. To get an idea, just plug your nose and yell it out loud. “Yeaaaa EaaaRight dUuude”. Super disrespectful, right? This guy was heated.
“GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM! GO TO THE LIBRARY!” I was laughing at first but immediately became straight faced. “What??? I didn’t even do anything!”
“GET OUT OF HERE NOW! GO SEE YOUR MOTHER IN THE LIBRARY!!!”
I was taken completely off guard; normally when we’d get kicked out, they’d send you to a room called Choices. You just sit in there until the period ends, then continue about your day and deal with the repercussions later. No big deal but now he’s telling me to go to the library instead? No way, my mother worked there…
I decided to go to choices instead. Typically, the person in charge gave decent advice so it didn’t seem like a bad idea to go see him given the circumstances. So I’m standing there in the doorway to that room, explaining to Mr. I Forgot His Name what the situation was looking like, expecting some sort of reassurance that everything would be Ok. That’s when I turned around and sure enough, my teacher came storming out of the library on the opposite end of the hall.
We made direct eye contact and I thought “oh, shucks” and took off running. There was no specific destination in mind, just as far away from him as possible. The school was a big, brick rectangle with a courtyard in the middle so you can’t simply cut from one side to the other; you’d have to go all the way around, and that’s what we did. Turtles do not catch rabbits.
“Maybe if I go to the library, I can take a seat in the back and act as if I’d been there the whole time. Perhaps he didn’t realize that it was me in the hallway and everything will be alright.” In theory, this would alleviate the situation quite a bit. I came walking into the library, trying to act casual but my mother already knew that something had happened.
“Matthew, why did your geography teacher just come in here looking for you? What did you do?” Before I could answer he’d come in and that was game over.
My mother is a very, soft spoken lady; being a librarian you have to imagine that her voice is typically calm and quiet. Even in moments like this she’d keep her composure, listen to what the problem is and ensure the accuser that it would be dealt with appropriately. I don’t remember exactly what was said between the two or what the repercussions were looking back at it. This was just another day, and the beginning of many more just like it.
Little did I know at the time just how significant that corny little joke would become down the road. Fast forward a decade or so and I'm sitting in the locker room with my buddies, talking about how we’ll celebrate our final jump in the army. I still had another year or two left on my contract but these types of conversations were common as damn near everyone looks forward to the last things they’ll do in the army.
We went from person to person saying things like “I’m going to bury my wings on the dropzone.” or “I’m gonna pull my reserve.” I forget exactly what my idea was but it wasn’t jumping with a fish; maybe it was a rat or a gerbil. We laughed, then my buddy suggested bringing a fish instead and everyone agreed that that would be a badass way to go out. Note taken.
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